Being unable to have a baby naturally brings a lot of mixed emotions.. sadness, frustration, impatience, insecurities, resentment, anger. Some days I look in the mirror and feel very incompetent.. why can’t I (at least not until this point) give my amazing husband a baby that I know he wants just as much as me. What is wrong with me? People will tell you not to think like this and to stay positive and, although they mean well, these feelings seem to be just another painful part of it all. This infertility road is a heartbreaking and lonely journey for each and every one of us.
But does anyone ever tell you it’s okay to have these feelings? Because it is. It’s okay to feel how you feel. You’re going to have good days and bad days and, from what I can see, this is pretty normal (if being normal is something you care about).
If you’re reading this and going through a similar time in your life, more than anything, I hope you have a supportive, patient and understanding partner or spouse. And whether you’re already waist deep in this nightmare or just about to dive in, there is one piece of advice I have for you that has helped me more than anything else.
Get on the same page as your spouse.
All my life I feel like I’ve heard that being unable to have a child has ruined marriages.. from movies, television shows, books and people. When we were struggling to conceive naturally and needed to turn to infertility specialists for help, this idea began to eat me up inside. I love my husband more than anything in this world and the thought of losing him due to my inadequacies left me in a dark place. (please don’t read this and tell me “you’re not inadequate” because this is how I felt).
Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband and early on we were out walking one evening and had this difficult but completely necessary talk. We talked about how long we wanted to embark on this journey before we call it quits. We talked about options. We talked about what would happen if we couldn’t conceive a baby of our own. We talked about adoption. We talked through every scenario we could think of. We came up with a plan and this put my mind at ease.. and thankfully removed those dreadful thoughts of him leaving me.. our mind can be a real bitch if you let her run rampant.
Everyone’s plan is going to look different but I feel it is so important to at least make a rough draft. As your journey progresses, you may want to make some adjustments to your plan but you need to be on the same page.
Sure, I still have my bad days.. we all will.. but our plan is what keeps me going and gives me peace.
I will get through this and so will you.