I have always been a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. When times have been really difficult, when they are extra special, when something happens I don’t entirely understand, when doors I always thought would remain open close, when everything works out the way I anticipated and when life throws me a curveball, this belief has helped me get through. There have been so many times in my life where I’ve found myself in a less than ideal situation and wondering what the hell I’m doing, only to realize weeks, months or years later the reasons. I have learned that life is difficult and it can often feel so unfair but it is also beautiful and precious and worth every breath.
Nearly three years ago, my husband and I were blissfully ignorant newlyweds who couldn’t wait to have a baby… little did we know how difficult this process would be. We started trying on our honeymoon and kept trying for months and months, but no baby came. After so much frustration, we decided to reach out to a doctor for help and our journey with IVF began.
I’ll never forget the excitement I felt when my first box of medications arrived in the mail. The number of needles, syringes and medications were overwhelming but I couldn’t wait to start the process that I knew in my heart would lead us to a family. But this process, my goodness, this process was so long and even more heartbreaking. I can’t tell you the number of times I cried my eyes out driving in my car or the number of days I felt like a failure to my husband. I can’t begin to explain how my insides burned with pain, envy and grief every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, listened to a child laugh or was asked “when are you going to have kids?” You can have the best support system in the world (and I do) but the journey is probably the most lonely thing you will ever experience.
After over two years of constant medications, needles and disappointment, I was reaching a point where I felt like maybe my husband and I just weren’t meant to be parents. I remember thinking that God has a plan for us all and maybe we were trying to force something that wasn’t in the cards for us. On top of these thoughts, I was mentally and physically exhausted. At the beginning of our IVF journey, we decided we’d try for five years and if after that time we were not parents, we would stop. I had only made it halfway and was nearing my breaking point. Ultimately, we decided to try one more embryo transfer and if that was unsuccessful we would take a break.
On March 11, 2021, we headed to our doctor’s office and I had two embryos transferred into my uterus. And after nearly three years, 400 needles and so many prayers my husband and I are expecting twins in November! Despite my growing belly and listening to two extra heartbeats (on my doppler), it still doesn’t feel real. But, life works in funny ways and sometimes, just when you’re ready to throw in the towel, God sends you a miracle (or two)!
Love, Jessica 