Life works in peculiar ways and I still spend a lot of time pondering why. Why can all the drug addicts I take care of at work have multiple children that they neglect? Why can physically, mentally and verbally abusive people have children when they’re so mean? Why can people who don’t want children have babies, only to give them up?
I thought I was doing it all right.. I’ve taken care of my body my whole life, I worked hard and landed an amazing job, I found a loving man and married him, we bought a house with extra rooms and together we’ve laid the perfect foundation to welcome a baby into a loving, supportive home. But why? Why can’t my husband and I have a baby? Most days, it doesn’t make a bit of sense in my mind. How can it be so easy for some people and then so incredibly difficult for others?
I recently saw another infertility doctor for a second opinion and when they were asking me the usual million questions, one thing they asked was how long my husband and I had been trying to have a baby. The answer to this question has been weighing on my mind since because it’s been over a year and a half. That’s a long freakin’ time! I can’t tell you how many times we’ve said, “this will be our last Christmas without a baby” or “next fall we won’t be able to go to Florida because I’ll be pregnant.” And yet here we are, still not pregnant.
Infertility treatments are no joke. I constantly pump myself with different hormones and drugs, have ultrasounds shoved up me and needles jammed in my arms and abdomen. My weight fluctuates and my mood is unpredictable. According to the doctor, it’s a lot of “trial and error” (which couldn’t be more accurate) and I feel like a science experiment. Thankfully, not only did I marry a loving man, I also married a saint.. he is so patient and I have no idea how he puts up with me sometimes.
In the beginning of my infertility treatments, I would get my hopes up only to be devastated when things didn’t go as planned. Now, after a year and a half, I’ve gotten much better at keeping my expectations low. I still have bad days.. those days I cry when I’m alone in the car on the way to work or the ones when I’m irritable, cranky and miserable to be around. But now there are more good days when I remind myself that I’m a fighter and God doesn’t give us challenges that we can’t handle.
Although our desire for a baby is always in the back of my mind, I don’t spend my entire day analyzing what is wrong with my body or what I could have done differently. I’ve accepted that what is meant to be will be. Everything happens for a reason.. if we are supposed to have children we will and if not, well there’s a reason why.